My Experience with BDSM
My DOM was late.
27 minutes late to be exact.
I had been given very specific instructions on how to wait and it wasn't exactly a comfortable position.
The first few minutes of discomfort were kind of exciting. My senses heightened as I waited to hear him walk up the steps and through my front door.
Prior to this, I had always enjoyed being submissive with my partners, dated a professional dominatrix, but had never entered into an exclusively dom / sub (DS) relationship like this.
I had mentioned this to a friend and that I wanted to explore this world a bit more and she encouraged me to contact this particular dom as he was experienced and very respectful.
If you are new to BDSM, here is a crash course in terminology:
BDSM An umbrella term used to describe a sexual practice that involves the use of physical control, psychological power, or pain. It typically includes the components of Bondage and Discipline, domination and submission, or Sadism or Masochism.
Dominant A person who has the authority in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Play A term used to describe the BDSM acts themselves.
Submissive Someone who submits to a dominant person in a BDSM relationship or scene. Submissive can be shortened to sub.
I connected with him first through text and we went over a few simple ground rules and set a time to play. He told me to wait wearing only a pair of black panties. He informed me that I should be on my knees in my entry way with my hair down, hands placed on my lap, .
I was excited.
Well, until 13 minutes into waiting, then I was annoyed. I removed myself from my waiting posture, checked my phone to confirm the time and I messaged him to see where he was.
"OMW" came the reply moments later.
The sexy butterflies reappeared and I went back to my waiting position and waited… for 14 more very long minutes.
Why do I remember so specifically the minutes?
When he walked in, he looked down on me, smiled, and said, “Good girl."
“You're late” I replied, not particularly impressed.
"I know. Now go into the bedroom and wait while I find something in the kitchen."
I was confused, but obedient. I went into the bedroom and waited until he walked in a few moments later, carrying a heart shaped wooden spoon he had found in my kitchen.
“How late was I?” he asked me, running the spoon across my back.
“Um, very late.” I replied, still slightly annoyed but getting into the mood again slowly.
“Be specific, little girl.”
I quickly looked at the clock, “27 minutes” I said.
“Good girl. For every minute I was late, I'm going to spank your bottom. You are going to count them out and say ‘thank you, sir’ after each one. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, sir” I replied.
I had the weirdest shaped bruise for more than a week.
I am most definitely not an expert in BDSM, First name. In fact, my DS relationship lasted exactly 2 play sessions (he was late both times). I did, however, learn a few important things from my experiences.
First, the submissive has all the power.
Counterintuitive maybe, but its true! In a true DS relationship, the boundaries are set by what feels sexy and fun for the submissive, regardless of how the dominant would like to play.
We often fool ourselves into thinking that we exist in a submissive role in life. We think that we are at the mercy of some cosmic dominant force. You, First name / however, are the master of your destiny and, often unknowingly, inform the cosmic dom (universe, destiny, whatever you refer to it as) of what is and isn't ok for you. When we realize this, we become wildly empowered and life feels way more sexy.
Second, consent is sexy.
With both my ex-girlfriend and the male dom, consent was always requested and respected. I never felt that this took away the mood or made things awkward. I enjoyed moaning consent and felt empowered when I whispered the safe word and was given the space to redirect, pause, or end the experience.
What are you giving consent to in your life that is actually not pleasurable to you? Sacrificing your own happiness and pleasure for the benefit of someone else can seem like an admirable, altruistic trait but really, it's a way we perpetuate our own suffering and rob the other of experiencing your full hearted, joyous, turned-on consent.
I have scheduled an interview with my former dom (to which he is running late for… I kid you not). I'll be sharing the interview in written format next week and if you have any questions you are dying to have answered, just leave a comment and let me know.
I'd also love to know your thoughts and any experiences you have related to all this. Comment below and share what you've learned (or send an email if you’d rather not make it public).
