Why Smut Turns Us On: Psychology, Safety, and Reclaiming Desire

You've read the books.
You've devoured the tropes.
You've felt your body react in ways you didn't expect.

But now you're wondering… what's actually going on here?

Why does this turn me on?
What does this say about what my nervous system is into…?
And could this actually be healing something I didn't even know was buried?

Welcome to Part 2, where we dive into the psychology, trauma dynamics, and emotional depth behind the smut.
Spoiler: your fantasies might be doing a lot more for you than your last relationship ever did.

Missed Part 1?
Start with Why Women Love Dark Romance: Fantasy, Taboo, and Turning On Again to get the full story.

TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read)

For the ones who waited three books for the mating bond to snap into place, but still want a quick summary… you're welcome:

• These books turn us on because they meet a deep need for novelty, safety, and emotional intensity.

• According to psychologist Shulamit Sternin, dark romance gives us low-risk access to erotic energy… even when real life feels complicated.

• For many survivors, fiction becomes a safe place to feel again; especially when trauma has made desire feel dangerous.

• The key ingredient? Agency. You get to choose. You get to want. That’s where healing starts.

The Psychology of Why It Turns Us On

So, what's actually happening in our brains when we're turned on by morally grey fae males with control issues and insanely good abs?

To answer that, I reached out to my close friend who is a Doctoral and Clinical Fellow at Cambridge Health Alliance & Harvard Medical School. She said something that really stuck with me:

“These books provide a safe space to explore fantasies—but they also give us novelty. And humans need both novelty and safety to feel erotic energy. That's something Esther Perel talks about a lot, too. But in real-life relationships, especially where there's trauma or attachment wounds, we often lean heavily into safety… and the excitement part fades.”

Let's think about that for a minute.

Our daily lives are filled with routines that give us a sense of predictability. For a lot of us, our relationships also prioritize stability. Safety. Consistency.
All of which are beautiful… but none of which necessarily fan the flames of eroticism.

Reading romantasy or dark romance gives us access to something different.
It's not a real-life risk. It's imaginative dress-up for the psyche.

We get to try on wild, uninhibited, sometimes dark or dangerous fantasies, all without consequences.
We get to explore power, surrender, risk, and control, in a world where we are the ones choosing to open the book.

Just like putting on a costume for an event or costume party, reading these stories gives you the freedom to become someone else for a little while.

And that someone?
They might be ravenous. Powerful. Tender. Kinky. Curious.
They might want things that your real life hasn't made space for yet.
And through the lens of fiction, we get to feel it all… safely.

That's the power of these genres.
Not just the arousal. But the access.
Not just the stories. But what they unlock.
Not just stability. But wild untamed experiences.  

From Trauma to Turn‑On: Romance as Reclamation

Not everyone who reads dark romance has trauma in their past.
But for a lot of us, these books do more than just turn us on… they turn something back on what we thought was gone forever.

I wasn't sure I'd feel that way.

Given my own past experiences with sexual assault and rape, I honestly thought dark romance would be overwhelming.
Too much.
Too triggering.
Too close to the edge of what I've spent years of my life (and a lot of therapy) learning to feel safe around.

But I was actually really surprised.

These books didn't re-traumatize me at all.
They gave me a space to explore power, surrender, and intensity in a way that felt controlled, intentional, and, most importantly, chosen.
I could put the book down at any time. I could remove myself from the experience anytime it felt overwhelming.

Sexual trauma, emotional neglect, chronic disconnection… these leave us feeling like our sexual desires and arousal are broken, unsafe, or out of reach.
So when we read a story where the heroine rediscovers her own hunger, where she learns to trust herself again, where she isn't punished for wanting… something inside pays attention.

These books become more than entertainment.
It becomes evidence that our erotic self is still smoldering deep below the surface.
It shows us that with a little space to breathe we can still feel, finally overcoming the numbing that we thought we'd have to just have to learn to live with.

I wrote more about this idea of thawing out and reconnecting to pleasure last autumn in this blog about shifting your energy through pleasure… especially if you’ve been feeling numb or disconnected from your body lately.

Robin Lovett, a survivor who wrote about her healing journey in Publishers Weekly, described how romance novels became one of the most vital parts of her recovery.
She shared that choosing to open a book felt like an act of consent.
That reading stories where women had agency, pleasure, and safety- especially through predictable happy endings- offered her comfort that nothing else could.

That landed for me.

I didn't start reading romantasy and dark romance until many years into my healing journey, but I absolutely relate.

Because that's the thing about fiction.
It lets us practice feeling.
It lets us experience intimacy and arousal without risk.
It lets us imagine safety, pleasure, and even power… maybe even before we're ready to experience those things in reality.

And maybe, most importantly, these novels often offer trauma survivors what trauma took away: agency.

In these stories, the heroine's needs matter.
Her pleasure is prioritized.
Her voice is heard.
Even in the dark stuff, even when the plot gets spicy or twisted or raw, she gets to choose.
We get to choose.

That choice is radical.
That choice is healing.
That choice returns the sense of agency that might have been taken from us.

Read the Smut. Reclaim Your Spark.

If you've mad it this far, you are clearly a person of taste: probably also halfway through a romantasy series and fully turned on by this blog!
Here's what I want you to know:
There is nothing wrong with you for being turned on by books that push the boundaries.
For craving fantasy that's fierce, wild, consuming… or even confusing.
For finding pieces of yourself in heroines who want more and get it.
For maybe not even understanding why you enjoy these books so much.

You don't have to explain your turn-ons to anyone.
You don't have to justify why your arousal lives in the grey zones.
You're allowed to explore what turns you on… whether it stays on the page or eventually makes its way into your body.

P.S. If You Love Spicy Books… I'm Guessing You Might Also Love to Journal…

If your Kindle is full of morally grey men and feral mating bonds, there’s a good chance your Notes app is chaotic too.

I am currently obsessed with writing on 750words.com

Whether you explore these through your notes app, try this epic site I love, or have an old school favorite pen and blank pages, here are some journal prompts to explore what your smut might be trying to say to your soul:

Where in my life do I wish I felt more chosen, more powerful, or more free?

You don't have to have answers.
Just the curiosity to explore your own personal world of romantasy and dark romance.